Childhood Memories of Summer

My summer memories growing up in Kansas in the 60′s was playing outside all day and into the night. I rode my bike all over town from one side to the other without a worry or care in the world (back then my mom and dad didn’t have to worry much either in those days). I use to pack a sack lunch and ride to the park to explore or ride to the swimming pool. Once in a while a friend would ride bikes with me but most of the time I was off on an adventure in solitude. I played outside with my neighbourhood friends catching lightning bugs (fireflies) and collecting locust shells.

I always looked forward to visiting my grandparents on their farm where I would chase the chickens, play in the hay mow, watch grandpa milking the cows, building a tree house and pretty much anything that could be explored and imagined outside.

One time we visited my other grandparents who lived in the country also but they didn’t have running water or electricity. I remember one summer it was so hot and I was very young probably 5 or 6 years old. My mom and I had to stay with the grandparents for awhile to take care of my grandmother. We slept upstairs of a 2 story house without electricity. I remember crying myself to sleep listening to the coyotes howling while my mother leaned over me in bed fanning me for a long time till I fell asleep because it was so hot. I hated using the outhouse and at night upstairs we had a pee pot and longing for the comforts at our own home but still, I found something to explore even there on that farm. I was fascinated by cowpies in the pasture. l

Today, a woman of 55, I finally have my own country home and my grandkids are visiting me.  I love gardening and puttering outside in the yard, taking long walks along the country road and…..I’m still exploring the countryside on my bike.

What I will do for a piece of chocolate cake

Died-And-Gone-To-Heaven Chocolate Layer Cake

My husband needed a cake to take to work for a company potluck lunch.  He really wanted me to make this particular cake recipe from the "Eat, Shrink and Be Merry" cookbook.

I love Greta and Janet Podleski's recipes, especially their newest cookbook I've been cooking out of lately. This cake is the only recipe that the girls clearly state is NOT low-fat or low-cal but oh my gosh it is really, really good and so worth the effort.   Yeah, well, see the deal was that I would bake and create this masterpiece but I had to have a sample before he could take it to work.  These people are just going to have to understand that I had to sample it to make sure I had made it correctly..............that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh and for the record and for the sake of Greta and Janet's recipe, this cake was suppose to be baked in    3 round cake pans but I didn't have any so I had to compromise by using an oblong pan.  I posted it on Greta and Janet's facebook page.  These funny cooks have such a great sense of humour and are just so down to earth.  They responded to my FB post.

Where was I exactly 37 years ago today?

Exactly 37 years ago today I was a young girl who was about to step across a threshold that would forever change my life.  It took place in my home town of Emporia, Kansas.  I remember that day as I prepared myself to walk down the isle of the First Church of the Nazarene, although I think back then it was just called The Nazarene Church but I could be wrong.  Reverend Joe Bean (I'm so not kidding -- that was his name) was standing there at the end of the isle to pronounce me married for the first time in my life at the age of 19.

I had no idea how much my life was about to change and how challenging it would be.  Up till then I had relied on my parents for everything but all I ever wanted was to become a bride and have my own dream of marriage. What did I know about marriage at that age?  I can tell you what I didn't know.

I didn't know that my parents had problems in their marriage because not only did they hide it well but I was so oblivious to reality* back then.  Mom and Dad tried to talk me out of it because they knew just how hard it was going to be and they knew I really wasn't ready for it.  I think if we could all be honest it wasn't so much about the young boy I was about to marry as it was that I didn't have a clue about the reality of marriage and family.  My parents kept their issues between them to themselves, which was not wrong but they never talked openly about any problem.  I was naive and very gullible trusting everyone to take care of me to make me happy, easily deceived in my fantasy* world as what love and marriage was all about.

On April 19, 1974 my life changed.  I had no idea how my life would not turn out the way I had planned because I truly believed my dream of happiness had come true.  I thought this is it!  All I ever wanted was to grow up, get married and live happily ever after.  We would love each other forever and have great adventures while somehow have a beautiful home and perfect little family together.  Beyond that I had no idea how we were going to get these things, make that dream a reality or handle any problems because honestly I never thought we would have any problems if we were married.  It was always about getting there but never about what to do when you got there.  I was ill-equipped to handle life outside my parent’s home but didn’t know it. 

*My favourite TV shows and movies in my young teen life were: 

Family shows of the 50's, 60', 70's about how love, marriage and families:

• Leave It To Beaver (Ward & June knew how to hold it together and still deal with the Beav)
• The Brady Bunch (so they had 6 kids to raise, obviously Carol & Mike had true love and made it look fun)
• Little House on The Prairie (Laura Ingalls could have been my BBF)
• The Walton's (goodnight Mole Boy, obey your parents, follow your dreams and be a good brother)
• I Dream of Jeannie (she tried to be obedient and really loved her Master plus clean the house with a blink)
• The Partridge Family (Shirley was a really wise mom and I was madly in love with Keith

Music shows: Soul Train and Dick Clark's American Bandstand taught me how to dance (or so I thought)

Adventure shows with hot leading men or beautiful role models:

Alias Smith and Jones (Pete Duel and Ben Murphy) --- I was so in love with these two fantasy lovers at the same time that my best friend and I wrote short stories imaging ourselves with Pete and Ben as our boyfriends. When Pete shot himself in real life on Dec 31, 1971, I thought my life was over too.  Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry would never be the same.

Starsky and Hutch....omg!!!!!! hot hot hot

Romantic Comedy movies  one of my favourite husband/lover role models turned out to be gay

·         Pillow Talk (1959) Rock Hudson and Doris Day

·         Lover Come Back (1961) Rock Hudson and Doris Day

·         Send Me No Flowers (1964) Rock Hudson and Doris Day

·         Man's Favorite Sport (1964) Rock Hudson and Paula Prentiss

• I knew every line of the song "supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus" in the movie, Mary Poppins, which means something to say, when you do not know what to say.  

Flashback 37 years ago today.  This young girl stepped into another world of reality for the first time but it took many, many years until I finally woke up and became a woman.   

“Leave it to Charlotte” starring Charlotte as the young naive girl who steps from fantasy to reality for the first time and gets herself into a terrible mess.  She’s married to that crazy mixed up boy who doesn’t know what he wants either.  Together they have two kids before they realize they’ve made a huge mistake and don’t know how to talk to each other.  In fact, (laugh track) they have all kinds of fun trying to communicate.  That wacky Charlotte, she is always getting herself into things just like that famous redhead on TV.  Our favourite memorable episode of Charlotte’s was when she ran her car across the railroad tracks and got the car high-centered.  Thanks to a CB radio in the car, she was able to call the sherriff for help.  He and the town folk came running to flag down the train and get her and her toddler safely out of the car. With the help of some heavy duty chains, the family car was pulled and pushed off the tracks. Oh boy, what will hubby say about the dent under the car?  Not to worry, he’ll probably be so happy she and their daughter return safely that he won’t even notice..... stay tuned to find out his reaction.

...and remember folks, there is no place like home and home is where the heart is.

Spring Day on Green Acres - April 2011

...and remember folks, there is no place like home and home is where the heart is.

One of those emotional days

I had one of those emotional days where you just feel like you are oozing tears from every pore.  I can always tell when I'm having one of those days because I'm super sensitive and cry very easily.  There hasn't been one of those days to that magnitude in a long time.

The day started off not good.  Actually the night before was a little rough too.  Anyway, this morning I had an appointment with my neighbor who is a massage therapist and a Christian.  When I walked in she asked how I was doing.  When you're this sensitive that you're on the edge of tears it only takes one person to ask how you are doing before you fold up in a heap of emotional truth.  So I told her I wasn't doing so well because it was one of those emotional days.  When I was on the massage table with sweet music playing and her healing hands working out the pain in my body, this is the moment that I broke down.  There's nothing like being almost naked under the covers, lying facing down peering through a small hole for your face to get the emotion to start pouring out.  As soon as she began working the pain out of my body, the tears of emotional pain began to flow out as well.  She asked if I would like her to pray for me and I answered, "Yes, please do" through my tears.  Why was I crying?  What was bothering me?  Seriously, men are just men and women, well we understand one another.  God is working on an inner healing as much as the outer healing.  I don't even know what's going on inside me but I'll say this -- God is faithful to never leave us and He bottles every tear we shed.

Psalm 56:8

Record my lament;
       list my tears on your scroll —
       are they not in your record? (NIV)

You have taken account of my wanderings;
         Put my tears in Your bottle
         Are they not in Your book? (NASB)

You keep track of all my sorrows.
      You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
      You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)

Write down my poem of sadness.
      List my tears on your scroll.
      Aren’t you making a record of them? (NIRV)

As she prayed over me, God's peace washed over me but the tears that had drained out left my face swollen and barely recognizable when I was done.  The things that God spoke to my heart were truth and everyone knows that the truth sometimes hurts.  They were too personal to be shared on this blog but I'll say that God is working on me from the inside out to remove toxins physically as well as bitter pains of my heart and toxic messages running through my mind.  I would have rated that massage as a 10 because of I had been worked over body, soul and spirit.

I went home and managed to pull myself together, avoiding my husband's questions about why I looked so bad.  My mind and body were m-u-s-h but I had to get ready and drive myself into town for an appointment with another hearing specialist regarding my problem with tinnitus (ringing in the ears).  I had made the appointment through the internet.  I also had a lot of other errands to do that day as well.

The 40 minute drive into town gave me much needed quiet time with just me and God together alone in the car.  As God began revealing even more pain buried deep in my heart, the conversation I had with him was again bathed in tears as I allowed everything to come up to the surface.  By the time I actually arrived in town, I was feeling a cleansing relief from my sorrows and had gained a revelation that only God could have shown me about myself because He knows us so much better than we can ever know ourselves.  Emotionally drained I followed my GPS to the address of the medical office I was headed for.

Jumping ahead I'm just going to say that GPS failed me miserably and got me lost. I tried to call the doctor's office but the line was busy every time.  By the time I had finally found the office, I was mentally exhausted to the point I didn't care anymore and could barely remember my own name.  Everything seemed like too much effort.  When I got to the doctor's office, the woman did not know who I was nor was she expecting me.  Heck, by this time I barely knew who I was either.  We determined that the appointment I had made was not at this office but was actually for an office located 76 km (47 miles) north of where I was currently.  However, everything worked out better than I could have imagined.  I was more than happy to reschedule for another day, especially after having broken into tears in her office. She was very kind to me and hurried to get the issue straightened out.  I did speak to the doctor who was seriously interested in my condition and actually excited about new research on a certain kind of hearing device to help people who suffer with tinnitus.  We managed to reschedule and I left there with more hope than I had when I was tested in Calgary.

After leaving the hearing office, my day began to get brighter and brighter.  Everything from that point was like the sunshine that began coming out brighter as the day wore on. We rescheduled for the upcoming Monday.

We all have days that we can't explain, days where we wonder, ' why did I even get out of bed today' but in the end, though I can't begin to explain the what or why of it but this day was special in so many ways.  It was painful. It was refreshing.  It was healing.  It was necessary.

Now I must go to bed and get my rest.

Hanging it all out!

Its official....I'm a country girl now!!!  I'm doin' my warsh and hangin' out on the ole clothesline like Mamma use to do.  


Actually its energy efficient and a great way to save money.  The dryer eats us a lot of power and ain't cheap ya know.  I can't even call it exercise it was so easy.


We've had some nice weather around here lately so I've been doing a bit of everything I can to get outside.  This close to Easter I decided it was a good time to go on a personal 'Easter Egg' hunt.  Yep!  I got a couple of plastic grocery sacks and went searching around my acreage for Teddi pooh.  I actually had a hunting plan walking in small sections at a time until eventually I had searched the entire property. Technically I didn't walk an acre cause the house and the shop take up some ground but still...I'm just sayin'.  


Then I hung my laundry on my country clothesline.  My mother would be proud of me -- at least that's one thing I did learn from her when I was growing up -- did it once or twice when I was a young, complaining, lazy kid.  


Then I raked leaves out of my garden (that was actually the day before) and bagged them up. I've got to get a compost area going so I could make use of that stuff by turning it into dirt for my garden.  We're still working on that.  


I decide I better go for a bike ride, which is another good way to get exercise and use green energy -- mine!.  I rode 9 km -- the roads I've been trying to walk from our house around all the farms and back.  I figure if I can't get there by walking maybe I'll just ride my bike since we brought it back from storage from my mother-in-law's house.  I had no sooner gotten home that day when my neighbors called up and asked if I wanted to go with them for a bike ride.  I hated to turn them down so I thought, 'sure I'll go a little ways with you'......we ended up riding 4 km!!!  So all total I rode 13 km (8 miles) on my bike and some of that was up a few steep hills but I didn't get off and walk, no siree, I just shifted gears, gritted my teeth and used sheer determination.  I can do anything in short bursts, its being consistent that I have trouble with.  I ride my butt off one day and rest doing nothing for two days straight.  It was a hard ride and my poor bike was probably screaming for mercy if it really could talk unlike those TV commercials "can we go out sometime, its me -- your bike"...yeah, right!  I bet my bike has shut its mouth now!  


If we're going to do this a lot more then I have to get a wider bike seat with a lot more padding cause the way it is now, me and my bike are just hanging it all out!  


So now that I've aired my dirty, I mean clean, laundry, I better go get the clothes off the line as it looks like it might rain.


There's no place like home and home is where the heart is.

Giving an early Mother's Day surprise for my mother-in-law

My husband's mother told us that she wants to sell her house and move into an apartment before Summer.  While she was out of town my husband and I went to her house for two days and nights to give her basement makeover as a surprise as an early Mother's Day gift.  Maybe this labor of love will get her motivated to tackle the rest of the updates and preparation she needs to get done to have a Realtor come in and assess her home.    

While we are eager and willing to assist Mom with her update, working with her can be a bit challenging. I know how overwhelming this experience can be and how hard it is to pick the right colors. Mom is having a bit of trouble deciding whether she wants to paint for the potential buyers or for her own satisfaction.  We know she loves blue so we selected Benjamin Moore`s Ocean Air.  Mom also has her main upstairs bathroom painted a light green - Benjamin Moore`s Silken Pine.  She mentioned the last time we were there that she hoped there was enough paint left over to use it in the basement bathroom.  

I hope she likes it since we decided to pick the colors for her.  There was just enough of the green paint she liked upstairs to barely cover over all the pink walls in the bathroom.  We painted the pink door and pink trim with white paint.  The ceiling had also been pink before but now it is white and makes the tiny closet size bathroom appear more spacious.  We vacuumed the carpets also and cleaned.

The basement bathroom BEFORE used as a variety of storage 

for toilet paper and Kleenex.   PINK was everywhere -- walls, trim, door and 

even the very low ceiling was pink.  The wallpaper and border was outdated!  

The basement bathroom BEFORE 

had silver taps, a heavy outdated mirror, 

mounted matching white and gold towel ring, 

cup holder and toilet paper holder.  

The light fixtures were white and outdated.

The basement bathroom AFTER
Light, soft green walls with white trim.
Clutter has been cleared out.

Easy peel and stick wall art adds color.  

With the wall art positioned at the end of the room 

your eye is drawn to the new feature wall 

making the small bathroom appear larger.

A new mirror with antique white and detailed 
wooden trim.  New, modern, gold 2-light vanity 
with glass shades add more light to a 
window-less room.  New hand towels tie in
 with colorful green, yellow 

and purple basket of pansies. 

Oh, and the wall mounted cup holder 
was removed! Let`s hope Mom 
doesn`t miss it.

New gold taps are a better match with the
existing gold cabinet pulls, white and 
gold toilet paper holder and towel ring.   
I couldn`t pass up the basket of pansies 
as a color accent so I had to get it for her. 

New gold taps and a good cleaning to the
 gray sink is all that was needed. 
Mom loved the green, pear shaped 

and scented soap  that I had in my bathroom
so I bought one for her.                                    

                   The last time we met with my husband`s mother we did a 
walk through to discuss basement issues. 
Unsure whether she wants the basement to be finished, 
the basement hall and laundry area really need an update, 
especially with the unfinished current condition.  
The pink walls and faded, outdated wallpaper really have to go.  

The current entry and upper level is a light gray.  
The blue carpeted stairs and striped, hallway carpet 
provide plenty of color choices to choose paint color.  
Removing wallpaper and painting the walls
is the least expensive and easiest way
 to pull off a basement makeover.  

 BEFORE WITH PINK WALLS AND FADED, OUTDATED WALLPAPER

MOM'S BASEMENT HALL AFTER * WALLPAPER REMOVED AND PAINTED BLUE

MOM'S BASEMENT HALL AFTER * 
WALLPAPER REMOVED AND WALLS PAINTED BLUE
Blue walls now compliment the blue carpet 
in the hall and on the stairs.  
Blue is apparently Mom`s favorite color
 because this color theme runs 
throughout the most of the upper floor. 
 Mom couldn`t decide on a color choice
 when we were there last so... we chose for her.  
Sure hope she likes it.  

*** BASEMENT RENOVATION COMPLETED ***
 The blue hallway and white trim compliment the new basement bathroom.  
The bathroom color -- Benjamin Moore Silken Pine.  
This update is the first step in prepping 
the house to be listed for sale.  

The walls in the hallway -- 

What's Up The Road Ahead?

I believe you should always ask God for safety when you travel.  You never know what accidents lay waiting before you.  I'm not saying you will always avoid an accident if you pray but I do believe when you ask in Jesus' Name for safety God sends angels to watch over you because you turned to Him first to ask for traveling mercies before you start on your trip.  Sometimes I forget until we are traveling along the highway but because I am a nervous passenger whenever my husband gets behind the wheel, I usually always bring anyone in the car before the throne of grace to ask for God's divine protection.  Its not that I don't trust my husband's driving -- he's a good driver but he does tend to speed and take risks I wouldn't take.  I usually gasp or make other noises when he gets too close to high speeding traffic.  I always tell him, 'you never know what the other drivers are going to do'.  I forget that there are other things beside traffic that can cause accidents beyond your control. 


Well, I prayed last night as we headed back from his mother's house in Orillia.  We were speeding through the end of rush hour traffic heading home from Toronto on the 401.  It was scary as always for me so I remembered I hadn't prayed yet -- so up went my request for safety to my God.


We made it out of the insanity and were well on our way home.  As we neared our home, only 5 km away, we were on a country road at about 10:15 last night.  My husband was speeding down this gravel road when suddenly a deer jumped out of the brush and froze in the headlights in front of us.  


My husband slammed on the brakes.....

Thank you God for Anti-lock Brake System (ABS) in our 2009 Ford Focus. 

Thank you God for my husband's quick reaction.

Thank you God that we stayed on the road and didn't go off in a ditch.

Thank you God that my husband, my dog and I were all safe. 

Thank you God for no damage to our car and that you kept us from hitting the deer.

Thank you God for keeping the deer safe.

Thank you God for the opportunity to gently discuss my husband’s need to slow down when he’s driving on these country roads.

I’ll leave you with this photo taken 5 years ago when we were on a campout.  Our friends, Vic and Deb had come out with their son, Jayme and a friend of theirs to join us for a barbecue.  When they got ready to leave, everyone got into the car and they turned on their car headlights.  I decided to be funny and jumped out in front of their headlights to impersonate a "deer caught in the headlights".  Our friends, Vic and Deb, had the photo blown up as a poster for my 50th birthday.

We never know day to day when we will see someone for the last time.  Please make sure the people you care about know how much you love them.  Don’t take for granted the life God has given you and make the most of it. 

“Dear God, please keep me!”  

A keep is a strong central tower used as a dungeon or a fortress. Often, the keep is the most defended area of a castle, and as such may form the main habitation area, or contain important stores such as the armory, food, and the main water well, which would ensure survival during asiege. 

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.  Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.  Psalm 91:2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."  Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.  Psalm 144:2  He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge...

This social butterfly has become a homebody.

I kind of prefer staying at home and being by myself lately.  What’s happening to me?  Is this just a phase or is this a sign of depression. Since we just moved to our “new world” I am just happier in my safe place, my new and peace-filled, home in the country.   I don’t like to be away from it very long.  When I go out I will travel but I don't like to travel far from home unless I’m visiting my family, especially the grandkids.  After working so hard pushing myself out of my comfort zone for many, many years so I can "grow", I find myself clinging to the comfort level in my new home since I'm in a new, unfamiliar world. Is it normal to become a homebody when you finally escape from the rat race? 

Today I posted on my Facebook status “honestly feeling withdrawn”.  Am I in danger of becoming depressed or worse, one of those people that have a phobia about leaving their house – Agoraphobic (fear of open spaces and crowds)?  I use to have panic attacks but rarely have them anymore, praise God for deliverance from that.  I have faced two phobias in my life that appear contradictory: Claustrophobia is the fear of having no escape and being closed in (opposite: claustrophilia). It is typically classified as an anxiety disorder; Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions.   While I don't like confined, small places, I use to surround myself with clutter to the point that my secret room (my office) was like a scene from hoarders.  Thankfully moving helped me purge out all that junk and in our new home I am very free of clutter and am much better at being organized.  I’ve always been extremely uncomfortable when I’m in large crowds – I feel like I can’t breathe or will be crushed to death or lost.  One reason I was rarely interested in going to the Calgary Stampede or to a concert, for example.  Still, I did it but would prefer not to.  If you want to experience it at least once then you have no choice but to try it.  It didn’t take me long to say, “Ok, been there, done that.  I’m good.”   Whenever I am driving somewhere I freak out if I get lost, while at the same time I love to explore and be adventurous.  Everything seems to be contradictory with my issues.  How can you be shy and extroverted at the same time?  How can you be an explorer who is afraid of getting lost?  What in the world is wrong with me?  Any suggestions?

I don’t have a job anymore and haven’t been very motivated to find one, although I have been looking and putting in applications when I'm out shopping or when I search online.  I have been, shall we say, selective.  Ideally I would prefer to work from home so I don’t have to go anywhere.  I started a walking program where on nice days I take long walks around by the lake.  I have a goal to walk the full perimeter around the fields and back to my house, which would be 9 km total.  I haven’t been able to go on the walk lately due to crappy weather.  I find I’m just not that motivated to go anywhere outside of my house.  It feels like I need my space and my rest.  Before we moved my life was so chaotic.  I use to be very outgoing, busy, had lots of friends, had a stress-filled job, was involved in activities away from home – church, women’s groups, etc.  Ever since we moved thousands of miles away to a home in the country my life has changed.  Now I’ve noticed that I seem to be clinging to this quiet, peaceful, stay-at-home lifestyle.  We went from three vehicles to one, which my husband has most of the time because he has to drive 40 minutes to work.  Most of the time we have guests come to our house for dinner or to stay the weekend.  I still get out and go shopping every now and then but rarely alone.   I prefer staying home alone all day alone to going anywhere or even going outside. 

When my husband is home on his day off I find myself annoyed that he is infringing upon my day to myself.  I also find I’m resentful when he wants me to do something extra above and beyond what I may have considered doing, although I might not have a particular plan for that day.  I clean house, cook, organize certain areas throughout the house, surf the net, do the odd thing here and there and finally getting to sit down to read some good books, reading more often than I have done in a long, long time.  There are very, few times when I am bored, mostly I am just relaxed and unmotivated, puttering around without much rush unless we are having someone coming for dinner.  I have cooked more than I have in several years because I actually have the time.  I'm kind of enjoying it.

I’m not totally anti-social.  I try to invite someone for dinner every week and I go to church each week, which is about 5 minutes from my house.  I chat online, send and receive emails, post on my blog, read and post on Facebook.  I also write in my journal.  I go out for dinner with my husband but usually to the nearest restaurant 10 minutes away from home.  I even volunteered to assist with the all day ladies retreat at the new church we attend.  Even though I’m new there I will be helping as a greeter.  I’ve met several people from the church and actually had one couple over for dinner.  Everyone at church is really nice and I’m still getting to know people there but its a slow process. 

Lately my husband and I have been driving 283 km (or 3 ½ hours) to visit my mother-in-law to help her repair and renovate her house.  Every couple of weeks we go up and spend the night and return the next day.  Just recently we went up and brought her back with us to stay a week and then took her back home, returning that same day – that was a long day.  I find that I’m not very happy about leaving the comfort of my home and have started getting pretty moody about it lately. 

My friends know me as an extrovert – outgoing, friendly and I am unless I’m in a new environment.  What people don’t know is that inside I am really shy. I was shy as a kid. I am still shy in a group until I get to know people. I force myself to jump out there and get to know people even though its uncomfortable.  One thing about going to our new church, everyone is so friendly and have approached me so all I have to do is be responsive.  When I'm normally in a group of people I don't know I smile (as an outward sign of openness and friendliness), observe (assessing people, looking for an opening where I can fit in) and be a bit selective who I want to get to know better. I would never ignore or reject anyone, instead I talk to everyone. I accept people for who they are and can’t stand people that judge and reject others or display signs of snobbery. I tend to gravitate toward fun, outgoing, friendly and confident people but battle with a fear of rejection so sometimes if these people appear to be having way too much fun and seem really close-knit, I may hold myself back a little from that crowd.  When I was in school, I was the kid who was not popular with the cool kids but was well-liked by the underdogs, the rejected, unpopular kids. I wanted to be popular but just wasn’t.  Maybe I accepted that I don’t fit in with these people or maybe I stopped wanting to be popular, I don’t know but at 55, I am completely confident in who I am and who I don’t want to be.  I just refuse to play that social game of “will I be accepted or rejected”.  When we were kids, being popular or well-liked by the cool kids meant everything. As adults, we use “accepted” and “well-liked” instead of the word “popular”.  I have finally come to terms with who I am therefore my confidence has risen, people like me, I am funny and outgoing. The only people I truly feel insecure around are the “choleric” personalities who take charge, exude total confidence, like to control everyone and everything and think they know it all.  I don’t confront well so I usually just avoid these kinds of people or worse, leave the scene if I’m totally uncomfortable. 

I don’t know if I am becoming a home-body and if so, is that a bad thing or if I’m just truly riding the “comfort train” for a while.  Either way, I could sure use some encouragement. 


Maybe I need to take a trip somewhere even though there is no place like home and home is where the heart is.