I kind of prefer staying at home and being by myself lately. What’s happening to me? Is this just a phase or is this a sign of depression. Since we just moved to our “new world” I am just happier in my safe place, my new and peace-filled, home in the country. I don’t like to be away from it very long. When I go out I will travel but I don't like to travel far from home unless I’m visiting my family, especially the grandkids. After working so hard pushing myself out of my comfort zone for many, many years so I can "grow", I find myself clinging to the comfort level in my new home since I'm in a new, unfamiliar world. Is it normal to become a homebody when you finally escape from the rat race?
Today I posted on my Facebook status “honestly feeling withdrawn”. Am I in danger of becoming depressed or worse, one of those people that have a phobia about leaving their house – Agoraphobic (fear of open spaces and crowds)? I use to have panic attacks but rarely have them anymore, praise God for deliverance from that. I have faced two phobias in my life that appear contradictory: Claustrophobia is the fear of having no escape and being closed in (opposite: claustrophilia). It is typically classified as an anxiety disorder; Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder defined as a morbid fear of wide open spaces, crowds, or uncontrolled social conditions. While I don't like confined, small places, I use to surround myself with clutter to the point that my secret room (my office) was like a scene from hoarders. Thankfully moving helped me purge out all that junk and in our new home I am very free of clutter and am much better at being organized. I’ve always been extremely uncomfortable when I’m in large crowds – I feel like I can’t breathe or will be crushed to death or lost. One reason I was rarely interested in going to the Calgary Stampede or to a concert, for example. Still, I did it but would prefer not to. If you want to experience it at least once then you have no choice but to try it. It didn’t take me long to say, “Ok, been there, done that. I’m good.” Whenever I am driving somewhere I freak out if I get lost, while at the same time I love to explore and be adventurous. Everything seems to be contradictory with my issues. How can you be shy and extroverted at the same time? How can you be an explorer who is afraid of getting lost? What in the world is wrong with me? Any suggestions?
I don’t have a job anymore and haven’t been very motivated to find one, although I have been looking and putting in applications when I'm out shopping or when I search online. I have been, shall we say, selective. Ideally I would prefer to work from home so I don’t have to go anywhere. I started a walking program where on nice days I take long walks around by the lake. I have a goal to walk the full perimeter around the fields and back to my house, which would be 9 km total. I haven’t been able to go on the walk lately due to crappy weather. I find I’m just not that motivated to go anywhere outside of my house. It feels like I need my space and my rest. Before we moved my life was so chaotic. I use to be very outgoing, busy, had lots of friends, had a stress-filled job, was involved in activities away from home – church, women’s groups, etc. Ever since we moved thousands of miles away to a home in the country my life has changed. Now I’ve noticed that I seem to be clinging to this quiet, peaceful, stay-at-home lifestyle. We went from three vehicles to one, which my husband has most of the time because he has to drive 40 minutes to work. Most of the time we have guests come to our house for dinner or to stay the weekend. I still get out and go shopping every now and then but rarely alone. I prefer staying home alone all day alone to going anywhere or even going outside.
When my husband is home on his day off I find myself annoyed that he is infringing upon my day to myself. I also find I’m resentful when he wants me to do something extra above and beyond what I may have considered doing, although I might not have a particular plan for that day. I clean house, cook, organize certain areas throughout the house, surf the net, do the odd thing here and there and finally getting to sit down to read some good books, reading more often than I have done in a long, long time. There are very, few times when I am bored, mostly I am just relaxed and unmotivated, puttering around without much rush unless we are having someone coming for dinner. I have cooked more than I have in several years because I actually have the time. I'm kind of enjoying it.
I’m not totally anti-social. I try to invite someone for dinner every week and I go to church each week, which is about 5 minutes from my house. I chat online, send and receive emails, post on my blog, read and post on Facebook. I also write in my journal. I go out for dinner with my husband but usually to the nearest restaurant 10 minutes away from home. I even volunteered to assist with the all day ladies retreat at the new church we attend. Even though I’m new there I will be helping as a greeter. I’ve met several people from the church and actually had one couple over for dinner. Everyone at church is really nice and I’m still getting to know people there but its a slow process.
Lately my husband and I have been driving 283 km (or 3 ½ hours) to visit my mother-in-law to help her repair and renovate her house. Every couple of weeks we go up and spend the night and return the next day. Just recently we went up and brought her back with us to stay a week and then took her back home, returning that same day – that was a long day. I find that I’m not very happy about leaving the comfort of my home and have started getting pretty moody about it lately.
My friends know me as an extrovert – outgoing, friendly and I am unless I’m in a new environment. What people don’t know is that inside I am really shy. I was shy as a kid. I am still shy in a group until I get to know people. I force myself to jump out there and get to know people even though its uncomfortable. One thing about going to our new church, everyone is so friendly and have approached me so all I have to do is be responsive. When I'm normally in a group of people I don't know I smile (as an outward sign of openness and friendliness), observe (assessing people, looking for an opening where I can fit in) and be a bit selective who I want to get to know better. I would never ignore or reject anyone, instead I talk to everyone. I accept people for who they are and can’t stand people that judge and reject others or display signs of snobbery. I tend to gravitate toward fun, outgoing, friendly and confident people but battle with a fear of rejection so sometimes if these people appear to be having way too much fun and seem really close-knit, I may hold myself back a little from that crowd. When I was in school, I was the kid who was not popular with the cool kids but was well-liked by the underdogs, the rejected, unpopular kids. I wanted to be popular but just wasn’t. Maybe I accepted that I don’t fit in with these people or maybe I stopped wanting to be popular, I don’t know but at 55, I am completely confident in who I am and who I don’t want to be. I just refuse to play that social game of “will I be accepted or rejected”. When we were kids, being popular or well-liked by the cool kids meant everything. As adults, we use “accepted” and “well-liked” instead of the word “popular”. I have finally come to terms with who I am therefore my confidence has risen, people like me, I am funny and outgoing. The only people I truly feel insecure around are the “choleric” personalities who take charge, exude total confidence, like to control everyone and everything and think they know it all. I don’t confront well so I usually just avoid these kinds of people or worse, leave the scene if I’m totally uncomfortable.
Maybe I need to take a trip somewhere even though there is no place like home and home is where the heart is.
I can't be much encouragement for you. I've pretty much removed myself from everything. May day consists of trying to make it through work without ending up in a padded cell. I then go home and try to cook for everyone which I completely hate. After that I lock myself in the bedroom and watch back to back episodes of 3rd Rock From The Sun and wish I was in that life because it looks like so much fun.
ReplyDeleteI don't know whats happened to me but I lost my drive to do anything. It feels like I don't care and there is nothing anyone can do.
On sunny warm days things are better. It seems to get worse the oder I am. No wonder old people move to Florida. I can't take winters much longer. It seems like every year they get longer and longer.
If I lived at your house and didn't have to work I would be much happier as long as the sun was shining. I think I do need to move to Florida come to think of it.
Anyway, I love you and hope you see that you are not losing your spark. You just went from living as a city mouse to a country mouse. You probably are just not used to the quiet. You are used to having loads of friends and gatherings but you don't have that anymore...for now that is.
Love you,
Haylie
I know exactly what you are feeling Charlotte. I want through the same exact thing when we left Vancouver and moved to Grand Haven. I went from having a job and being a full-time student to having none of that after we moved. I did what you did, stayed home a lot and kept busy by reading or other things. I feel like I became anti-social a bit. It was hard to get out and meet people and I had no interest. I was a little depressed because I had many friends in Vancouver and Portland and lots to do.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm getting sad to leave because I've met some great people and I'll be starting over again in Buffalo.
I know you have no problem meeting people though but maybe you are realizing that you like the break from all the hustle and bustle and you desire to stay home because it is a quiet comforting place where no one expects anything of you.
Here's some encouragement...just think about when we move to Buffalo, you will be motivated to get out to visit us on weekends sometimes and we can exlore Buffalo and take the kids to do fun things together!
I went through something similar too.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were selling our house I was busy. When we were moving I was busy. I am still working on the organizing of the house, but when we got settled, I cried one day (because although I am happy here, I was missing some of the familiarity of Cochrane/Calgary).
I think my biggest problem was that I didn't have a schedule. I showered mid afternoon, surfed the internet, did dishes, but was pretty unhappy. I didn't realize how unhappy I was until the past 2 weeks. In the past two weeks, I have put myself on a schedule....which I actually love! I wake up between 6:30 and 7 am. I get a shower and then get the kids off to school. Then I go directly to my office. I have been planning my entire work week on Sunday afternoon (because being self employed...as Realtors are...we have to be disciplined OR you can end up in a RUT) I didn't realize I was in the rut until I was out (and really enjoying my productive day). Although I do work through the weekend I do take at least 1 to 2 days off during the week (for haircuts, doctors appts and dentist appts for me and the kids, errands, laundry etc...)
So the only thing I can suggest is take a day or two for being "lazy days" but the other 5 days put a schedule together. I think all humans NEED or CRAVE structure...then we really enjoy the Lazy days.