Daughters, Mothers, Fathers

I struggled a bit as to whether I should post the following on this particular blog and have decided to do so anyway.  The following post discusses many topics but seems appropriate as we near Mother's Day.  I hope you are blessed by it and in someway encouraged and enlightened.

“Daughters of God”  By Charlotte Langlois    May 5, 2011

Have you ever walked up to a total stranger on the street and asked them to do a favour for you?  I’ll bet not but I have seen people do it.  It is usually either out of total desperation or from an attitude of entitlement but for most of us that is not how we live.  One is a situation that brings forth a desperate measure of pleading or begging for help from a total stranger.   The other is an act resulting from an attitude problem that needs to be adjusted.  You really can’t ask a favour from those you don’t have a relationship with but you can ask for help from anyone if you need it.

I believe I taught my children that it is better to give than to receive.  I hope that I also taught them that if it ever came to a time of need that they wouldn’t hesitate to ask for help.  After my husband and I divorced I was left with two kids to take care of on my own.  I don’t want to paint a bad picture of this man – he paid child support, saw them on weekends and eventually they lived with him for awhile.  However, during the time I was raising them I got myself into a tough financial crisis that caused me to ask for help from others.  Asking for help from my church family didn’t seem as hard as asking for help from my own family, especially my earthly father.  I had given help to a lot of other people, some I knew and some were strangers, and when I needed help I didn’t feel ashamed to ask.  I know I never asked with a sense of entitlement.  The people I asked always had the power to say “no”.  I didn’t try to manipulate them or to guilt them into it.  I simply asked.  

That was a very humbling time for me.  Things got pretty bad during that time in my life and I was forced to call my dad to ask for help in paying a couple of mortgage payments I had fallen behind on.  It was a huge amount and my dad was not rich by any means.  I’ll always remember the long silence on the phone when I had finally gotten the courage to ask my dad for the money.  I thought he didn’t want to, didn’t love me or I wasn’t worth the cost.  Was he ashamed of me for asking?  Was he disappointed in my predicament I had gotten myself into?  Did he love the money more than he loved me?  I didn’t know.  Now, 20 plus years later, I am wise enough to realize that he probably wasn’t thinking any of those thoughts at all.  He was probably asking himself is this the best thing for my daughter.  He may have, in that split second, been thinking about where his money was invested and what it would take to come up with the money -- or maybe not.  Maybe he truly was thinking that if he gave it to me it would only teach me to continue being irresponsible.  Who knows really?  I have forgiven him for that moment of hesitation, after all he did give me the money the first time but I always remembered that long silence and the hesitation in his voice was never discussed after that.  The silence for me that day was the most confusing and hurtful.  I know he had his reasons and I always know he loved me more than he could ever express.  To this day I don’t know the reason and now he’s gone so I can’t talk to him about it.  I ended up getting behind again on the house payment but would not ask for help again and so eventually I lost the house.  It was at a time in my life that I pulled away from God and was being rebellious and stupid.

Too many people have too much pride to ask for help when they need it.  There is a song made popular by The Temptations in 1966, “Ain't Too Proud to Beg”, its not what the song is about but the title that comes to mind right now.  We don't have to "beg" from our heavenly Father as he is always rich in mercy and cares for us. He is completely, totally self-sufficient and with that has the ability to meet our needs.   

Psalm 50: 9-12 (NIV)  "I have no need of a bull from your stall or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills.  I know every bird in the mountains, and the insects of the field are mine. If I were hungry I would not tell you, for the world is mine, and all that is in it."  

In other words, God is saying, I don't need your possessions that I gave you because it all belongs to me already, from that which I gave to you, to the birds, insects and wild beasts.  I don't need anything that I ask you to give as a sacrifice because it is mine in the first place.

He owns all the cattle on a thousand hills so when I need something from my spiritual daddy I often remind him of our relationship, I’m his daughter so I have the right (through His Son Jesus Christ who made me an heir) that I can just ask my spiritual daddy to provide whatever I need. He is Jehovah Jireh, our provider.  Because of my relationship with my heavenly father, I ask him for favour, “Daddy, please help me even if you have to sell some of those cattle on some of your thousand hills.”  I know He will provide whatever I need.  In our relationship, we talk – I talk to him and he answers me, sometimes God starts the conversation.  He instructs, He comforts, He listens, He disciplines me.  He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.  I believe I can trust him to meet my needs and if my desires are what He has put into my heart anyway then He has said he will give me the desires of my heart if my delight is all in Him. 

Psalms 37:11 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

I acknowledge praise and thanksgiving to him for his immeasurable, everlasting love.  We can never become too dependent upon God.  He wants us to depend upon him.  In fact, he commands that we trust him and we bring our petitions before him.  The key is casting our cares onto him, like a fisherman casts his line, and leaving them with him to take up the burden and meet our needs in the way that He sees best for us.  This has been a truth that I am continually learning throughout my life.  Given our human tendency to worry, especially as women, it can be an ongoing struggle to get this truth deeply planted and to take root in our hearts. 

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

I Peter 5:7 Casting all your care (worries and anxieties) upon him; for he careth for you.

Matthew 6:27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Matthew 6:33 But let your first care be for his kingdom and his righteousness; and all these other things will be given to you in addition.

Philippians 4:4-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

God knows the motives of the heart.  Are we acting like a spoiled brats, are we asking for frivolous things, are we being selfish?  I don’t want to be like that and because of my covenant relationship through Jesus Christ, I am trusting that my heavenly Father will correct me if I need an attitude adjustment.

  

Galatians 4:6-7 Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father."  (Abba is Aramaic for Father)  So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.   

Romans 8:15-17 For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

Some people, especially women, cannot trust their earthly fathers. I won’t get into the reasons here but those reasons are usually valid.  I was very blessed to have an outstanding relationship with my earthly daddy.  I could ask him for anything and if he had the power to help me he would.  I do remember one time when it was very, very hard for me to ask him for a huge financial favour.  My dad was always tight with money when I was growing up because he grew up during the depression era; however, he showered his financial blessings upon me but not to the point of spoiling me.  I was highly favoured as his daughter where my brothers did not have the same treatment.  One, because when they were young my folks didn’t have the money and two, because I was still a young girl living at home when my brothers were grown and raising their own families.  My dad and I loved each other very much and had a close bond.  My mother was more of the disciplinarian but my dad always stepped in with the final say if I was giving her a hard time.  I certainly didn’t want to disappoint my dad or make him angry because I loved and respected him but also because he had a short fuse and didn’t tolerate stupidity.  He worked as a store manager most of his life and so he dealt with customers that use to irritate him.  He had a lot of great qualities and I always respected him.  That’s what children need to have – respect for their fathers. 

I’m reminded of another song.  This one by John Mayer is called “Daughters”. 

I know a girl,

She puts the color inside of my world

But she's just like a maze

Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can

To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

Now I'm starting to see

Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

CHORUS

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?

It's the same she's been standing in

Since the day she saw him walking away

Now she's left, cleaning up the mess he made

CHORUS

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break

You'll find out how much they can take

Boys will be strong and boys soldier on

But boys would be gone without warmth from

A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man

Looking out for every girl

You are the god and the weight of her world

CHORUS

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do

Girls become lovers who turn into mothers

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

So mothers, be good to your daughters too

As the song says, Father’s be good to your daughters.  This is because it will affect how they see the men in their life, especially in selecting a husband. My heart aches for girls who long for a relationship with their fathers but can’t get his time.  Girls learn how to be a wife and a mother from their mothers but they learn a deeper sense of love from their fathers.  It sets the tone for them to understand the relationship with their heavenly Father.  We learn to adore our fathers, rely on our fathers, respect our fathers, trust our fathers and if any of that is missing or broken, then we hurt deep inside in a way that affects us more than emotional and physical, it can affect us spiritually.

We also need to respect our mothers too.  My mother and I had a different kind of relationship.  It wasn’t until I was much older that I came to value it.  We developed a stronger bond in my adult years.  She was a person who did everything and anything on her own strength and determination so she didn’t ask often for help.  As a child I was oblivious to how hard her life had been and how hard she worked to make a home for our family.  I just wanted to have fun and play more than I ever wanted to help my mother with the chores.  My mom and I never seemed to have time to spend together just playing like I did with my dad.  I believe I may have resented her for that.  I didn’t understand her responsibilities at the time and how much she really could have used my help – that is a sad regret now.  I also didn’t know that she was venting her frustrations to her own mother about me, which gave my grandmother a negative perspective on me so much so that she wrote an awful poem about me (she often wrote poetry).  It broke my heart when I read it but by this time I was married and raising my own family.  Looking back I now understand why my grandmother had a view of me as lazy and hurtful to my mother.  I know there were times that I said awful things to my mother that I also regret.  Mom and I cleared that up later in life when I was a mother myself.  As I said we had a fantastic relationship in my adult years.  I would call her for advice and sometimes she would offer help but mostly she just listened and reassured me that it would all work out.  I had no idea how unhappy she was many times in her relationship with my father.  My mother and I became the best of friends and when I told her I was moving to Canada to be with the man I finally found as my soul mate, her heart was broken open.  She was happy for me but sad to lose me once and for all because I had grown up and would be leaving her finally.  I had no idea that within a little over a year she would be dead.  You can imagine the pain, guilt and regret that caused.  I wish I had more time and would give anything to have her back for one more day.  I have peace because I believe that when I get to heaven one of the things I will get to do is walk the streets of gold with my mother, play in the river of life and just “be” with her to laugh and enjoy each other’s company.  Now that we are separated by the spiritual and natural realm, I miss her and think of her nearly every day. 

So if you have the opportunity, seek out those you love while they are still with you and tell them how much they mean to you.  If you see that something in the foundation of your relationship has pieces missing then pray to God for restoration in your soul.  Pray and act on mending any relationships you have right now – relationship with your earthy father or mother, relationship between you and your husband, relationship between you and your children or step-children because these are extremely important in your life.  These relationships affect your spiritual health and relationship with your heavenly Father.  God wants total restoration and healing for your soul.  He is the only one who can truly mend a broken heart but first he has to reveal to you the heartbreak in your soul’s foundation and where the rift or tare began.  Ask him to show you.  Ask him to heal you.  Ask him to help you be a whole and restored daughter or son of the Most High God.  He is your heavenly Father and He loves you just that much.

I'm convinced that seniors revert back to children as they age

My mother-in-law is staying with us for a few days.  She is a generous woman who shows her love through doing things for others.

Gary Chapman's book, "The 5 Love Languages" helped me to understand my husband -- and in this case, his mother as well.  Their personal love language is Acts of Service, however mine is not.  My love language is Quality Time, tied with Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.   Gary says in his book that people who love showing Acts of Service will do anything to ease the burden of responsibilities for others.  Anything you do for them speaks volumes.  The words they most want to hear is "Let me do that for you".  If you are lazy, break commitments or make more work for them that tells them that their feelings don't matter.


Knowing how my mother-in-law shows me she loves me and the aging challenges that one day I know I'll face, helps me to be more tolerant.  I know she just wants to be helpful.  She asks if she can help do something like set the table, help prepare dinner, tend the fire in the wood stove, dry the dishes.  Though that sounds nice, and it is, she asks for help when she is helping.  I know it comes from a desire to help us younger folk and a bit of independence but when I have to stop what I'm doing to tell her how to do something like stirring up the fire to get it going again, well -- I'd rather just do it myself than have to explain everything.  It reminds me of having a child staying with us.  It feels like I have to entertain her, talk to her, answer questions and then I feel so bad because although I do it, my heart attitude is not right.

This morning, we took a very s-l-o-w walk because she is, after all 83.  I've answered tons of questions in one day, waiting for the time when my husband gets home from work.  This afternoon, mom and I watched two movies together (with the volume up).  While I had seen them both, I slipped away to the kitchen during the second movie to do start some baking. Mom brought things with her to do like hemming a pair of pants but didn't bring scissors or straight pins.  I had some sewing things tucked away in my mother's old sewing machine table.  I opened one of the drawers and carefully dug through it.  I specifically said to my mother-in-law, "I have to be careful not to move anything much because I can't get it back in the drawer. These were my mother's sewing things that I've kept even though I don't sew."  When I went into the other room to look for the pins, she took everything out  just like a 10 year old.  I had to make everything fit back in the drawers again.  Later while I was trying to get dinner ready she tried to help tend the fire in the wood stove but only made it worse.

I remembered reading that seniors, as they age, often revert back to childhood.  The more time I spend with my mother-in-law the more I come face to face with my own mortality.  It scares me to think that by the time I become a senior citizen, I will go through this same thing.  The thought of putting my children through that scares the heck out of me.  

I believe when you are faced with difficult people or situations, we have to look inside ourselves to search out our fears and face the real reasons we have conflicts.  We clash with some personalities for various reasons.  Sometimes its because they are too much like ourselves.  Sometimes it is because one personality is extroverted while another is introverted.  People who need to control others often have trouble controlling their own emotions.  So on and so forth....it is a deep subject but trying to understand yourself is the first step.   Why do we let people push our invisible buttons?  

In conclusion, I know that I have grown so much in dealing with my mother-in-law but I don't like taking care of other people unless they are my children or my grandchildren.  Selfishly, I feel I've paid my dues -- raised my children, took care of my aging parents until they died and now I have moved thousands of miles to be closer to my family, including my husband's family.  One of the reasons was to be closer to his mother because I knew that she would someday need us.  Right now, I'm facing the fact that it is going to get worse before it gets better.  Facing mortality in others also makes us look in a mirror to face our own.  Aging is part of life.  Sooner or later we all get old.  

"Dear Lord, help me, give me the strength to deal with my mother-in-law and please, please give my family the patience they need to deal with me now and especially when I get old! Amen."

There is no place like home and home is where the heart is.

Secret of a great relationship!

Not my normal subject of discussion but I felt strongly that I have to share this with you and I think you'll see why when I'm done.

I'm not the greatest at recognizing musical artists and matching them with their correct songs.  Sometimes I don't even realize that an artist has been around for awhile then all of a sudden one day I hear a song that I absolutely love and ask who the heck is that?

Well the other day I came across a music video that gave me goosebumps.  I absolutely love this song "Just The Way You Are" and video by Bruno Mars.  Don't laugh but before I came across this song I never even heard of Bruno Mars and now I'm thinking of this song all the time. It is very creative and beautiful.  The lyrics are as beautiful as the music.  I guess this song touched me because it is sung by a guy to his beautiful lady and is the secret to a great relationship.

Relationships would be off the charts if men and women could only just understand the beauty of these words and the importance of saying them to one another.  Stop trying to change one another to fit your idea of who they should be.  It will only end in disaster.  Until you see that person simply wants to be valued and loved for who they really are, you will never be happy and all your relationships will fail.  It took me three times to finally smarten up.  I finally found the love of my life and learned that I had to go into this relationship taking my husband exactly as he is.  The only way to be happy in a committed relationship is to accept each other faults and all.

Before you dive off the deep end and choose to let your heart go wild realize these important truths:

1. accept that he / she will not be perfect
2. accept that you will not be able to change them
3. accept that the one who will have to change is YOU 

Thankful for True Love's Kiss

Two marriages behind me and ready to sign off on ever having true love, I met the man of my dreams. He wasn't the most handsome by Hollywood's scale but his smile, and the twinkle in his eyes as he looks at me, made my heart melt. When he holds me I feel safe and secure.

My husband meets all my needs on this earth and then some. He is my Shrek and I am his Fiona -- and we live happily ever after, till death do us part, in our own love nest. Every day I am thankful to my Heavenly Father for allowing this man to enter my life. My dreams have all come true. I am and always will be thankful for my 'true love's kiss'.