Gary Chapman's book, "The 5 Love Languages" helped me to understand my husband -- and in this case, his mother as well. Their personal love language is Acts of Service, however mine is not. My love language is Quality Time, tied with Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Gary says in his book that people who love showing Acts of Service will do anything to ease the burden of responsibilities for others. Anything you do for them speaks volumes. The words they most want to hear is "Let me do that for you". If you are lazy, break commitments or make more work for them that tells them that their feelings don't matter.
Knowing how my mother-in-law shows me she loves me and the aging challenges that one day I know I'll face, helps me to be more tolerant. I know she just wants to be helpful. She asks if she can help do something like set the table, help prepare dinner, tend the fire in the wood stove, dry the dishes. Though that sounds nice, and it is, she asks for help when she is helping. I know it comes from a desire to help us younger folk and a bit of independence but when I have to stop what I'm doing to tell her how to do something like stirring up the fire to get it going again, well -- I'd rather just do it myself than have to explain everything. It reminds me of having a child staying with us. It feels like I have to entertain her, talk to her, answer questions and then I feel so bad because although I do it, my heart attitude is not right.
This morning, we took a very s-l-o-w walk because she is, after all 83. I've answered tons of questions in one day, waiting for the time when my husband gets home from work. This afternoon, mom and I watched two movies together (with the volume up). While I had seen them both, I slipped away to the kitchen during the second movie to do start some baking. Mom brought things with her to do like hemming a pair of pants but didn't bring scissors or straight pins. I had some sewing things tucked away in my mother's old sewing machine table. I opened one of the drawers and carefully dug through it. I specifically said to my mother-in-law, "I have to be careful not to move anything much because I can't get it back in the drawer. These were my mother's sewing things that I've kept even though I don't sew." When I went into the other room to look for the pins, she took everything out just like a 10 year old. I had to make everything fit back in the drawers again. Later while I was trying to get dinner ready she tried to help tend the fire in the wood stove but only made it worse.
I remembered reading that seniors, as they age, often revert back to childhood. The more time I spend with my mother-in-law the more I come face to face with my own mortality. It scares me to think that by the time I become a senior citizen, I will go through this same thing. The thought of putting my children through that scares the heck out of me.
I believe when you are faced with difficult people or situations, we have to look inside ourselves to search out our fears and face the real reasons we have conflicts. We clash with some personalities for various reasons. Sometimes its because they are too much like ourselves. Sometimes it is because one personality is extroverted while another is introverted. People who need to control others often have trouble controlling their own emotions. So on and so forth....it is a deep subject but trying to understand yourself is the first step. Why do we let people push our invisible buttons?
In conclusion, I know that I have grown so much in dealing with my mother-in-law but I don't like taking care of other people unless they are my children or my grandchildren. Selfishly, I feel I've paid my dues -- raised my children, took care of my aging parents until they died and now I have moved thousands of miles to be closer to my family, including my husband's family. One of the reasons was to be closer to his mother because I knew that she would someday need us. Right now, I'm facing the fact that it is going to get worse before it gets better. Facing mortality in others also makes us look in a mirror to face our own. Aging is part of life. Sooner or later we all get old.
"Dear Lord, help me, give me the strength to deal with my mother-in-law and please, please give my family the patience they need to deal with me now and especially when I get old! Amen."
There is no place like home and home is where the heart is.
