You Can't Heal When You Suppress

The feelings that began bubbling deep inside explained why I suddenly felt my own stomach acids churning.  I was about to be overcome with emotion, the tears and sobs literally only seconds away.  The regret followed like a wave as I wish I could change the past.  I wish, I wish, I wish....no amount of wishing is going to change it.  I had just remembered something from my past and realized that with this regret, I hadn't forgiven myself yet.  The regret:  'failure to be the kind of mother I wanted to intended to be'.


As the memories and emotion captured me for a moment it was as though time stood still.  Then before I knew, without thinking much about it, I found myself shaking it off.  "Get control", I heard myself saying, "Snap out of it!".  I suppressed the emotions pushing down, down, down, way down.  Deep breath in and.........hold it, wait.......ok,....and exhale.   And.....the moment has passed.  I'm okay again.   (Wow, that would be a great relaxation technique for anxiety control or panic attacks.)


Then, without warning, I heard God speak to me, "You can't heal when you suppress."     I knew instantly what that meant.  I don't know what came over me.  We're talking about a woman that cries at the drop of a hat, or at least use to.  And now, I'm burying my feelings and the failure that has bothered me more than I realized. 


Tonight when I was shopping for my daughter's birthday present this is when I became emotional.  I was fortunate enough to know what she wanted because reluctantly she finally told me.  When I found the the item online, I struggled a bit with the price trying to get the best deal I could.  Nothing wrong with that but suddenly, I felt urged not to worry about it and to just get her exactly what she asked for.  I also felt impressed to throw in an extra item not asked for and so I did.  As I looked at the final total, wondering even for a second if I should spend that kind of money, I felt an overwhelming love for my daughter.  I said, "Yes, because she's worth it."   


It was at that moment that emotion hit me.  I realized just how much I love her and how precious she is to me as my daughter and my best friend.  I would feel lost without her. We encourage each other every week somehow.  We've prayed over the phone together.  We talk online nearly every other day, sending emails a few day a week, sharing back and forth different things that make us laugh, inspire us or teach us something.  I love my daughter so much but it was just now I was filled with regret.  I should have been a better mother to her.  I was so young, too immature and self-centered to see it back then.  We are making up for lost time now.  My daughter is who she is despite my failures, despite my success as a mother and because of who she has struggled to become -- her own person. 


What happened after this realization hit me?  I knew the only way to salvage the moment is to instantly get onto my computer and write about it.  Confession is good for the soul and it is certainly what God asks from us.  Confess your sins and he is faithful to forgive us our debt, our sin, our trespasses.  Then we can forgive too.  We can forgive ourselves. 


So hear I sit with you.  As you read this, I am forgiving and releasing myself from guilt, regret and a sad heart.  Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy and never ending love.  Thank you for true understanding and forgiveness.  Thank you for giving me the grace I needed throughout all those years raising my family.  You know what I struggled with and all the sacrifices but the most important sacrifice was yours.  Thank you for my salvation and my freedom that you purchased by your blood. 


Letting go and watching the heavy burden become a helium-filled balloon disappearing up and out of sight.


Psalm 103:11-12   For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."    Notes on the Bible by Albert Barnes [1834] :  So far hath he removed our transgressions from us - That is, he has put them entirely away. They are so removed that they cannot affect us any more. We are safe from all condemnation for our sins, as if they had not been committed at all.